walking in the rain is five minutes bliss and 25 mins…

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40 years married, i just can’t believe it, i just can’t imagine i spent 39 years trying to get out of this miserable survival (i can’t call it a life no more, no no no…) it reminds me when i was young, how i was so excited to see the rain so that i can walk under it, hear its noise, jump in some pond, i loved it, no one was around, i had the streets for myself, the only sound was the rain falling on the tree leaves…magical, i was alone in the world, i was the world, it was great for 5 mins then normally it was followed by 25 mins of miserable walking home drenched, tired, and sick. story of my married life if you shorten the exciting time to less than a minute. why did i say yes in that horrible church, it must have been my second time in the church, the first time was for the funeral of my mum, thinking about it maybe churches bring me bad luck, only horrible things happened to me over there. god must have taken me for someone else when he thought i deserved so much miser, maybe the guy next to me was a pedo-necro-zoophile, and god arthritis kicked in when casting the future of my soul. now that guy must enjoy life in a country full of pedo-necro-zoophile, he might even be president who knows. so i said yes in that miserable month of april, which is the battlefield of winter and spring; two miserable season fighting over the dominance of april – you will never know if tomorrow would be windy and cold, or rainy and cold. some days when they are tired of fighting, the sun can shine…. for 2 hours before the battle rages again. yes married, she was my first and only woman, first girlfriend, i convinced myself of loving her but i didn’t know what love was (still don’t actually) and all of that because i was afraid to be alone. i met one day a photographer in a new-york bar who with a lot of humour was telling me he got married because it was the only way to force himself going home not so drunk, but something was telling me it wasn’t a joke. wonder what happened to him, he told me he wanted to wander around the world. it’s too late now to leave her, i may have 10 years left, it’s nothing, i have pretended for so many. long time ago i knew my life would go unnoticed, i had dreams and i’ll never know if i could have made them true, because she needed me with her, to talk (no correction:) to listen to her, she had to complain and nag like her life was depending on it. one day i had enough mile for first class ticket from new york to los angeles, and she scrutinized everything and complain that it wasn’t worth the price (it was free….), nothing was good enough for the money spent or the attention given… she is such a bore


what am i doing with him, he is never happy, he never smiles, he is always quiet and lost in his thoughts, his books, his tv programs, why did i marry him, i could have so much better, he didn’t even give me a child like he renounced to his legacy, i can’t wait for him to die so i can have the bed for myself