this overwhelming feeling of doing something good, the warmth of the goodness starting in your guts and crawling up in the direction of your head, serotonin rush and you have convinced yourself that you are much better person than you were yesterday and the millions around you. problem is when the tornado of being a better man is happening only at the thought of doing an act of bravery and not the act by itself.
bear with me
i think i am only 5% as brave as i thought i were. luckily for the one whose lives would come to depend on mine, i realized this very young. it helped me to play defence with my life strategy, aggressive defence (the anger has to flow) indeed but defence.
hyena like. stealing foods from bigger predators which are in charged of the killing. thinking about hyenas, they are more courageous than bigger predator, they don’t attack running games, they steal from fucking lions. i guess i could kill a deer if i had to, but stealing a piece of a deer from a big killing machine, maybe not, without much thinking needed to be confident on my coward answer.
anyway we are not about zoology here, we are about much more important things: me and my illusion of bravery.
so. at the age of 18, being very and heavily influenced by bad companies and bad narcotics (as in the quality of the latter (and of the former too thinking about it, i mean most of them are dead or in jail now (or pushing carts in supermarket parking if people still do that back home))), i had some true realization moment when i thought i should do something better in my life than being proud of sorting my CD collections by the shapes on the cover, while making sure i would wake up before 5pm so i can rush to the convenient store and buy those fantastic croque-monsieurs which will feed me all night (thinking about it now, i think eating those type of foods in the late 80s takes more guts than stealing food from the big killing machine mentioned above, but we didnt know at the time, more than often bravery is actually based on ignorance (“He is an hero” means really he is an idiot who doesn’t know that fire can kill him, or water drown him, unless he does that to impress and then i call them fucking lunatics)).
sideways again, maybe bravery is about being able to read me with the intention to finish…
so i decided one day to be a volunteer.
i knew it was a bad idea, i never really liked the term, whenever i hear someone saying he is a volunteer, it sounds to me ears like “i am so much more better than you’all lot”, i mean i would do stuff for other without being asked to, but i think people putting a label on it are very suspicious. i respect altruism but have contempt for people calling themselves volunteer (yes including me when i did a couple of lines ago).
fuck me, i have used so many words so far and didnt tell no story, at the price of the word nowadays, it seems like i am rolling on words….
so one thing leading to another, i found myself helping EMS workers on highways. you see i like highways, it’s a fast transition between two points, i am not fan of transitions therefore i am fan of highways. for me it means, being around other but shielded so it is quite a sociable experience, you can insult people freely, listening to good music, only good stuff until my first day as an EMS support worker (and last (need to bring some suspense in my literature instruments)).
to the point already !
first incident: car crashed, dead woman in passenger seat, husband wandering in the middle of the highway shouting “where is my dog ? where is my dog?” and his daughter crying on the side calling her dad…
that day i saw an ocean i couldnt cross, i realized the smallness of my being, my self-importance shattered, that day i have given up thinking of being of any help to another (vacuum of serotonin, like my brains was taking back what it gave me as a prepayment). fuck life. there is no one above, below or even next to you.
went back home, bought my croque monsieur and spent a week numbing myself with music, company and substances. but i have to tell you one thing, they all loss a little bit of flavour after that day, subtle but constant loss of flavour. like all the music of my life was in a flat key now, one semi-tone lower for ever