You see we are traditional, no one talks about those things in the family. the only recommendation i had was ‘stay away from those boys’ and i did but they didn’t let me on that particular day. I noticed they were looking at me different recently, but i have known them since i was 10. My dad never liked them, always calling them ‘good to nothing’ boys. They were nice, just having less money than us, so i was sharing my pocket money and food with them.. I was doing it for years. I don’t understand what happened, more and more their eyes were getting scary when looking at me, like hard and tough and full of something I couldn’t identify. You see we are traditional, i never really hear about those things. More and more they were coming from under the railways bridge with strange smells like epoxy or glue, they never wanted me to go with them. They sounded like they were having fun, loud laughter and giggling all the time, but i wasn’t welcome to this, i have always shared with them everything. I thought they had nothing to share, so i didn’t care. And i shouldn’t have… but you see we are traditional…

So when one day i went to surprise them under the bridge, their eyes were scary, too big in their sockets like a dark shadows slowly covering the brightness of their eyes…. and when I cried that i was always sharing everything with them, I didn’t know i would cry much longer than usual . I didn’t know until that day that i wasn’t sharing everything they wanted and the only thing i didn’t know i had. They were five, and they were like cats playing with their prey. the pain i expressed was feeding the deranged pleasure they felt. It was pain and blood and unconsciousness and dirt and sweat and unconsciousness again, it feels like my inner body was inside out similar to the glove that the maid cleans. I felt dirty, ashamed and guilty (guilty !) You see we are traditional we don’t want to talk about this things that happened all the time.

And since then every morning, I go to see mummy and ask her “do i look fat today mum?”, if one day she says yes then you can meet me on the railways over the bridge behind the house.

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